I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
