the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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