Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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