I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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