I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
