I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
