Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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