I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
