I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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