Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
