Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh god it's open bar.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
