Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
