Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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