some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
