Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
