I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
