All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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