I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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