I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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