if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
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its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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