Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
