I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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