Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
