Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
