I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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