lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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