Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
