Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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