so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
