life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
