just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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