Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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