But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
