i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again