Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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