I'm drive I can fine osifer
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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