Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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