yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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