Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
