I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
