How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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