Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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