Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
