i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
