My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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