im about as happy as oj after his trial
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
