I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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