She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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