Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
