she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
