More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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