Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
