i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
